The Hidden Logic of Attraction

Why We Choose Who We Choose: The Hidden Logic of Attraction

photo credit pexels- Tobias Aeppl

We like to think we fall in love spontaneously. But psychological research suggests something more complex – and far more revealing. According to Carl G. Jung, the partners we choose are not random at all. They often embody parts of ourselves we’ve disowned, forgotten, or buried deep. Our internal image of the “other” – shapes what we long for, and what we fear. It’s less about who they are, and more about what they awaken in us.

James Hillman extended this: we don’t fall in love with a person, but with an archetype they unknowingly carry. A mother, a saviour, a betrayer – these figures aren’t just myths; they live in us, waiting for someone to step into the role.

Modern psychology confirms the pattern. Researchers like Murray, Holmes and Pinkus describe how unconscious emotional “scripts” – formed in childhood and past relationships – shape how we attach. If love once meant fear, abandonment or proving your worth, your nervous system may still seek that familiar struggle. Not because it’s good for you, but because it’s known.

We also tend to choose what’s similar. Studies show we’re drawn to faces, values and even names that mirror what we kown. This “implicit familiarity” gives a false sense of safety – especially when we’re unconsciously searching for a missing piece of our emotional puzzle.

Sometimes we’re not choosing a partner

– we’re choosing a solution. Someone who’ll carry what we were forced to suppress. Someone who seems to promise what no one gave us: presence, protection, permission to exist.

But relationships aren’t about completion. They’re about revealing. And often, the one we’re drawn to is the one most likely to activate our unfinished work.

Love is never just romance. It’s recognition – of the self we’ve lost and the patterns we need to outgrow.

“The relationship process” we offer is one of the most complex forms of inner work. It involves uncovering and integrating vast amounts of unconscious material – including unresolved trauma, painful memories, negative emotional patterns, internal conflicts, limiting beliefs, and dysfunctional values. At times, this process may require several months of focused, in-depth engagement.
But the results are profound: by the time you meet someone new, there’s often a tangible shift – both in who you’re drawn to and how you show up in the relationship.

References

  • Jung, C.G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.
  • Hillman, J. (1975). Re-Visioning Psychology. Harper & Row.
  • Murray, S.L., Holmes, J.G., & Pinkus, R.T. (2010). “A smart unconscious? Procedural origins of automatic partner attitudes in relationship cognition.” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(4), 650–656.
  • Pelham, B.W., Mirenberg, M.C., & Jones, J.T. (2002). “Why Susie sells seashells by the seashore: Implicit egotism and major life decisions.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(4), 469–487.
  • Zajonc, R.B. (1968). “Attitudinal effects of mere exposure.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9(2 Pt.2), 1–27.
  • Buss, D.M. (1989). “Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses tested in 37 cultures.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 12(1), 1–49.